ENTRY 1: Coping from a heartache through KPOP

shutterstock_172805831This may not be much compared to other blogs out there but I will pour my heart out, write my thoughts, vent out my anger and sail with my emotions.

woman-breakup-crying-1024x682Messed up mascara. Binge-eating on ice cream. Chips and junk food overload. Bucket of tears. Empty tissue boxes. Endless night parties and booze overdose, the reason: BREAK UP.

After your man leaves you and when everything starts to sink in, have you ever looked in the mirror asking yourself the same questions over and over again? What have I done wrong along the way? Was my love not enough? How could he do this to me? Was my love too much for him to handle? Was I not able to satisfy him? Am I not pretty anymore? Was I not sexy in his eyes? Did he find someone new already? Was I too boring for him? Questions that in one way or another bothered you and triggered your insecurities. You may have had these thoughts in your head once or twice (even more than that) in your life.
Smile girl, I was also in your shoes and I know exactly how it feels like.
I was in a long term loving relationship with my man and after four years and three months he decided to call it quits. I am embarrass to admit it now, but yes I was one of those feeble women who also begged to have him back. *Laughs
I underwent the stages of DABDA. DABDA is the five stages of coping with dying were described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her classic book On Death and Dying in 1969.
The stages have been abbreviated as DABDA and stand for:
  • D – Denial
  • A – Anger
  • B – Bargaining
  • D – Depression
  • A – Acceptance

The five stages of the Kübler-Ross stage model are the best-known description of the emotional and psychological responses that many people experience when faced with a life-threatening illness or life-changing situation.[https://www.verywell.com/dabda-the-five-stages-of-coping-with-death-1132148]

When I was still in a daze and DENIED everything. It did not sink in just yet. I insanely pretended that everything was fine and I actually went on with our relationship as if nothing was wrong. I would ask him out on dates, meals and movies. I would constantly post body-cringing pictures of us and “so-called-dates” on both our social media media accounts ( Don’t get me wrong, I did not hack his accounts, I know his passwords because he asked me to make them before when we started dating.) using it as a facade in front of our family and friends. I still visited their house and mingled with his neighbors as if nothing happened which in return gave me my fair share of eye rolls, whispers and a few snickers behind my back. *I was surely feeling close at that time and I evolved to be a thick skinned person.

After a few days, I was starting to see the picture and I was like DAMN, OH HELL NO! I could not believe that he did that to me. I know that it was not decent to bring up the things I did for him in the past mainly because I did that for love and I never expected anything in return but I could not help myself. ANGER kicked in and I kept thinking about all the things and all the sacrifices I endured for him. I was fuming and I was plotting his murder in my head. I was pacing, sweating and I was furious and I could not calm down so I vented it out. I bombarded him with text messages that I never got a reply. I spammed his social media account which eventually led to getting blocked  from all of his accounts and he decided to change his passwords as well. I called him non stop day and night which I guess he registered my number under the blocked people feature in his phone since I could no longer reach him. I was so upset that I decided to use another number to call him and when he finally answered it  only to find out it was me, he immediately hang up and blocked the number as well.  I know I was a wreck and everything was crumbling down. 

I was on the edge and I don’t care anymore. I was on the point were I begged and threw my pride away. I was willing to take him back, forget that he has someone new already, let go and forget everything that happened and move on. I BARGAINED to the point that he will not face me anymore. My weariness grew because I can see where this is leading and I was really afraid of losing him.

DEPRESSION.  I slumped for days and nights, heaven knows how long I stayed that way. I was a mess and I was lost. I did not know what to do anymore. I lost my other half and it feels like life was slowly slipping away. I tried to drown my sadness with booze every night which would then lead to empty tissue boxes the moment I sober up because I would bawl my eyes out. I stuffed myself with junk and chips then binged on ice cream while sprinkling it salty tears. My friends have to literally drag me out of my room and out of the house to get a life. I turned them down one by one and before I knew it I was succumbed to the fortress of despair.

The clock of my life slowly turned day by day without me noticing it. Before I knew,  the seasons changed and I was numb. While I was limply sprawled in my bed I was scrolling on my photo albums in my phone (bad idea by the way if you are still heart broken because it will just trigger unnecessary pain and heartache), then a video caught my attention and it struck me. I jolted up and pumped up the volume. I was amazed that the video was still saved on my drive after all these years. I listened to it and raped the replay button for days. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and my heart flutter looking and listening to them. I then realized after a while that their music provided me light and comfort in my darkest hour and gave me closure for the heartache that I experienced through my BREAK UP. With EXO, I found ACCEPTANCE.